Dancing With Fear

Hi my little love,

After a few days of being mostly in the present moment, I got attacked by the past and the future, all at once. I don't mean literally, although I did throw water at someone in a burst of anger and tell them in a very loud voice to get the heck out of my house. No, I was attacked by the voices in my head, and subesequently attacked others around me directly, but mostly passive-aggressively.

That's what happens, when you get older, and fear gets in the way. That's what happens to me.

People handle fear differently. Some people let it immoblize them; some people take it out in anger; others take it out in sadness. Some eat to hide fear; some drink or take drugs. People do all kinds of crazy things to avoid fear.

But me, I do a few things to avoid fear. Lately, as you know, I've cleaned out all the clutter from the major storage spaces inside the house (except the garage). Then I waited impatiently for the miracle to arrive after all this clearing.

The miracle did not come as expected - the brand new space I opened up also opened up Pandora's box of fear because too much was possible!

I've been a disaster to live with the last couple days, but your Dah-DEE in his infinite love and wisdom, figured out that I need something else - something is missing in my life. He's right - I'm missing something for me. I'm missing something that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning and run into the day.

What was holding me back? Fear.

What am I afraid of? That is the million dollar question ending in a preposition. I am afraid that I'll fail, sure, I'm also afraid I'll succeed. What IF I start a new company and it costs me all of my savings. What IF I fail miserably. What IF I am so successful that I no longer have time for you because I'm so busy with work? What IF in building this, I lose you or Dah-DEE?

Those What If's, they trap me in a box every time.

Your Dah-DEE, of course, would prefer I jump and see if I can fly. Heck, if I can't fly, he'll put a trampoline under me at the bottom of the cliff so I can bounce back up. No, he IS the trampoline.

All your Dah-DEE asks is to be his partner and to come home and not be a righteous B all the time.

Get rid of your safety net, he told me in different words. Quit your job that has become your direct deposit safety net. I will be your safety net.

There is no question why I love him; why he is the perfect partner for me.

But back to fear. I am reading a book on starting a small business so I can partner with my friend (TBN, since this is the all knowing, all searchable Internet) to create something wildly successful. Maybe I need to define what successful is to me so I know it when it knocks on my door in a fairy costume.

Successful is...
> Having time to read you books as you sit in my lap.
> Receiving your love, in spontaneous hugs and open mouth kisses (later they can be closed mouth kisses too)
> Taking vacations to new to me places
> Working in a way that gives me more energy
> Having time for myself, for Dah-DEE, for you and for work
> Making money without directly working; having money coming in whether I physically do work or not

And better, more wonderful things that aren't in the above list.

It's a dance, you see, with fear. It's hard to dance and be afraid at the same time; sooner or later the brain has to disengage to dance well. The brain has no place in dancing.

Fear can be a wonderful motivator, if it doesn't put me in a box and sit on the lid so I can't escape.

But now, in writing to you, I am getting out of that box and I'm going to keep reading the Small Business startup book and take the next step.

I love you, little one, may you learn how to dance with fear before age 36.
Mah-MEE